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GK FANMIX: Kissing in the Blue Dark
Kissing in the Blue Dark
FANMIX: Songs for falling in love in seedy hotels
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salvadore_hart (I hope it's something close to what you were after.)
Ray is almost always there first. It fits. He’s the one with the time on his hands. The one at leisure to scope out rooms on roads way out of town that Brad can bike to. Ray thinks about that, the road, how Brad will trace the route, what he will be feeling, thinking, as he eats up the miles. About how he will arrive windswept and adrenalized. Sometimes hard.
And he enjoys the recon of it. The research, logistics, risks.
Sometimes he arrives at the motel before he even texts Brad the details. Lies on the bed, anticipating. Sending Brad updates as to his readiness, his expectations.
What Brad doesn’t know is that sometimes he goes back. Like to the scene of the crime. Alone in a room that smells of other people’s couplings. It’s like pressing replay on the movie in his mind, reliving every step. Getting himself off; getting himself through being left behind.
Sometimes it’s fun. Heady and glorious. Finally happening again and “Fucking shut up Ray” and “Whatever Brad you know your dick worships at the altar of my mouth.” And thank fuck it does because Ray used up all the self-control he’ll ever have in that Humvee a long time ago. Now he gets smiling and teeth and huge hands everywhere.
Inevitably (and always) Brad goes back. And then it’s just about waiting, and not knowing, and never enough. Less time for beers and pool tables and coffee and getting bored and irritating each other, because there’s only time for wanting and grasping and taking and leaving.
It’s hard for this to be enough. Ray runs the bar that he bought with his mate Jess and it’s the perfect job to keep him busy and in touch with all his friends. The guys drop in and out when they’re around and he hears more about Brad from them than he does from Brad himself most times.
Brad’s put some of his money into the bar and Ray sometimes gives him detailed updates on the finances as they lie together after sex - Ray’s head on Brad’s stomach, the rest of him sprawled out over the roughly threaded sheets. He feels Brad’s approval in the fingers that card through his unshorn hair.
The nights that Brad dreams badly Ray doesn’t sleep. He waits, cold and helpless in the dark, and in the morning he acts out until Brad bites his head off and then they leave like normal. It’s in the days afterwards that Ray doesn’t know how to deal with his useless frustration. There’s no way to get used to not being there for Brad.
Everytime Ray convinces himself that it’s done with - Brad contacts him. Like he senses that Ray’s made a decision about them and he knows to show up and force Ray to start all over again. Eventually Ray realises this isn’t something he can talk himself out of. But he doesn’t know how to stop it bothering him that he can’t get into it properly either.
He knows what Brad has when he isn’t there and he misses it and hates it and resents Brad for not letting him let go of the Corps almost as much as he resents Brad for getting to have both.
About once every couple of months if he and Jess are both really drunk he’ll eat her out as she sucks his cock and the crush of her thighs over his ears shuts out his thoughts for a while. In the mornings, she places her hand on his back as she passes him – fixated on his coffee at the bar – he knows it doesn’t change anything.
Ray starts to think he needs the secrecy and the dirty musk to get off. They’re as much a part of sex with Brad as the feel and smell of their own skin. The dank wallpaper and greasy sinks hold promise for him. Brad teases that Ray must feel at home in these rooms, that they’re a step up from the trailers of Nevada, Missouri. But it’s not home, none of these places will ever be home. That’s why they’re there. He hates that they need them.
There’s always a need in the first moments that never lessens. Whether they move together slowly or rush at each other without thought. The fierceness of it takes a while to dissolve. That’s what they get to keep in this bargain with anonymity.
It can take a while for them to match themselves up again, discover the other’s temperament, desire. They watch for the signs in each other, is he angry, is he low or sad or playful? It’s in the way Brad grabs at him or slides his hand over his thighs, the way Ray demands Brad’s mouth or kneels before him. Neither of them can deny how it works.
It’s only sometimes in the dark that Ray can forget where they are and why they’re here and nowhere else. That Ray remembers why they keep doing this. He faces away from Brad on the bed, unseeing eyes open as Brad curls around him, knowing he’s awake, knowing they won’t speak about this in the morning. He traces his hands quietly over Ray’s body whispering into his neck about where he’s been and what he’s seen and how he’s thought about Ray. Ray listens and remembers not to speak, not to frighten away the appearance of this part of the man he loves.
He always demands sex on these mornings before they get moving and Brad always acquiesces, allowing Ray to take whatever he wants. Ray thinks there’s more here than he knows how to ask for.
He thinks that, even if it’s only ever possible in seedy motel rooms, some things are still worth waiting for. Sometimes he says so outloud.
D/L @ Megaupload
*With my non-existent German I have determined this means the following (mostly because this is what I want it to mean) *g*:
I want, once more, to sleep, / Sleep with you,
To have you close once more / Before I lose you forever.
FANMIX: Songs for falling in love in seedy hotels
Asked by
salvadore_hart (I hope it's something close to what you were after.)1. Rubix Cube - Athlete
Credits roll over the edge of horizons / That I haven't discovered yet.
Oh I'm like a kid who just won't let it go / Twisting and turning the colours in rows
I'm so intent to find out what it is.
Credits roll over the edge of horizons / That I haven't discovered yet.
Oh I'm like a kid who just won't let it go / Twisting and turning the colours in rows
I'm so intent to find out what it is.
Ray is almost always there first. It fits. He’s the one with the time on his hands. The one at leisure to scope out rooms on roads way out of town that Brad can bike to. Ray thinks about that, the road, how Brad will trace the route, what he will be feeling, thinking, as he eats up the miles. About how he will arrive windswept and adrenalized. Sometimes hard.
And he enjoys the recon of it. The research, logistics, risks.
Sometimes he arrives at the motel before he even texts Brad the details. Lies on the bed, anticipating. Sending Brad updates as to his readiness, his expectations.
2. Little Secret – Passion Pit
Let this be our little secret / No one needs to know we’re feeling
Higher and higher and higher
But I feel alive and I feel it in me / Up and up I keep on climbing.
3. Let's Get Lost - Beck and Bat for Lashes
Touch me I'm cold, unable to control / Touch me I'm golden and wild as the wind blows
And tumbling tumbling, don't go fascination / If just for tonight darling, let's get lost.
Let this be our little secret / No one needs to know we’re feeling
Higher and higher and higher
But I feel alive and I feel it in me / Up and up I keep on climbing.
3. Let's Get Lost - Beck and Bat for Lashes
Touch me I'm cold, unable to control / Touch me I'm golden and wild as the wind blows
And tumbling tumbling, don't go fascination / If just for tonight darling, let's get lost.
What Brad doesn’t know is that sometimes he goes back. Like to the scene of the crime. Alone in a room that smells of other people’s couplings. It’s like pressing replay on the movie in his mind, reliving every step. Getting himself off; getting himself through being left behind.
4. Video Games – Lana Del Ray
Kissing in the blue dark / Playing pool and wild darts
He holds me in his big arms / Drunk and I am seeing stars / This is all I think of.
Kissing in the blue dark / Playing pool and wild darts
He holds me in his big arms / Drunk and I am seeing stars / This is all I think of.
Sometimes it’s fun. Heady and glorious. Finally happening again and “Fucking shut up Ray” and “Whatever Brad you know your dick worships at the altar of my mouth.” And thank fuck it does because Ray used up all the self-control he’ll ever have in that Humvee a long time ago. Now he gets smiling and teeth and huge hands everywhere.
5. Problems - Arrah and the Ferns
When I know that you've got problems / And I know that I can't solve them.
Everybody knows that we've got problems of our own...
When I know that you've got problems / And I know that I can't solve them.
Everybody knows that we've got problems of our own...
Inevitably (and always) Brad goes back. And then it’s just about waiting, and not knowing, and never enough. Less time for beers and pool tables and coffee and getting bored and irritating each other, because there’s only time for wanting and grasping and taking and leaving.
6. Save Your Goodbye – Martin Posner
I say I’m chasing dreams but you know / I’ve been running away from, running away from you
Some sort of comfort in your pain, I can’t help but take it.
No matter how I change there’ll be no escaping.
I say I’m chasing dreams but you know / I’ve been running away from, running away from you
Some sort of comfort in your pain, I can’t help but take it.
No matter how I change there’ll be no escaping.
It’s hard for this to be enough. Ray runs the bar that he bought with his mate Jess and it’s the perfect job to keep him busy and in touch with all his friends. The guys drop in and out when they’re around and he hears more about Brad from them than he does from Brad himself most times.
7. Sweetest Kill - Broken Social Scene
I held you hand until the light / The scars were on the back
And they can try to put you down, wear you out / Get you through the idea of the luck
I held you hand until the light / The scars were on the back
And they can try to put you down, wear you out / Get you through the idea of the luck
Brad’s put some of his money into the bar and Ray sometimes gives him detailed updates on the finances as they lie together after sex - Ray’s head on Brad’s stomach, the rest of him sprawled out over the roughly threaded sheets. He feels Brad’s approval in the fingers that card through his unshorn hair.
8. Eiserner Steg – Philipp Poisel und Matthias Schweighöfer
Ich will einmal noch schlafen / Schlafen bei dir
Dir einmal noch nah sein / Bevor ich dich /für immer verliere*
9. We might Fall – Ryan Star
We should go to sleep now / You should stay the night.
I’ll be up to watch the world around us live and die.
Ich will einmal noch schlafen / Schlafen bei dir
Dir einmal noch nah sein / Bevor ich dich /für immer verliere*
9. We might Fall – Ryan Star
We should go to sleep now / You should stay the night.
I’ll be up to watch the world around us live and die.
The nights that Brad dreams badly Ray doesn’t sleep. He waits, cold and helpless in the dark, and in the morning he acts out until Brad bites his head off and then they leave like normal. It’s in the days afterwards that Ray doesn’t know how to deal with his useless frustration. There’s no way to get used to not being there for Brad.
10. Night Terror - Laura Marling
If I look back and he is screaming / I'd left him dreaming, the dangers fade,
And I rolled back and shake him tightly / And scream "if they want him then they're gonna have to fight me!"
Oh, fight me.
11. Poison and Wine - The Civil Wars
I know everything you don't want me to
I wish you'd hold me when I turn my back
Oh your hands can heal, your hands can bruise
I don't have a choice but I still choose you
If I look back and he is screaming / I'd left him dreaming, the dangers fade,
And I rolled back and shake him tightly / And scream "if they want him then they're gonna have to fight me!"
Oh, fight me.
11. Poison and Wine - The Civil Wars
I know everything you don't want me to
I wish you'd hold me when I turn my back
Oh your hands can heal, your hands can bruise
I don't have a choice but I still choose you
Everytime Ray convinces himself that it’s done with - Brad contacts him. Like he senses that Ray’s made a decision about them and he knows to show up and force Ray to start all over again. Eventually Ray realises this isn’t something he can talk himself out of. But he doesn’t know how to stop it bothering him that he can’t get into it properly either.
He knows what Brad has when he isn’t there and he misses it and hates it and resents Brad for not letting him let go of the Corps almost as much as he resents Brad for getting to have both.
12. Before you cry - Camera Obscura
I said I loved you for a little while
Wishful thinking is going to make you mine / I hope you hear me / I can't stand you next to me
I said I loved you for a little while
Wishful thinking is going to make you mine / I hope you hear me / I can't stand you next to me
About once every couple of months if he and Jess are both really drunk he’ll eat her out as she sucks his cock and the crush of her thighs over his ears shuts out his thoughts for a while. In the mornings, she places her hand on his back as she passes him – fixated on his coffee at the bar – he knows it doesn’t change anything.
13. Dead Hearts – Stars
It’s hard to know that you still care.
I can say it but you won’t believe me.
It’s hard to know that you still care.
I can say it but you won’t believe me.
Ray starts to think he needs the secrecy and the dirty musk to get off. They’re as much a part of sex with Brad as the feel and smell of their own skin. The dank wallpaper and greasy sinks hold promise for him. Brad teases that Ray must feel at home in these rooms, that they’re a step up from the trailers of Nevada, Missouri. But it’s not home, none of these places will ever be home. That’s why they’re there. He hates that they need them.
14. This Place is Death - Deftones
You open up the covers / You lure me in
Tackle me anxious / Back into bed
Well, I hope to discover / All of your waves
15. The Boxer - Editors
This place is our prison / Its cells are the bars
So take me to town / I wanna dance with the city
Show me something ugly / Show me something pretty
You open up the covers / You lure me in
Tackle me anxious / Back into bed
Well, I hope to discover / All of your waves
15. The Boxer - Editors
This place is our prison / Its cells are the bars
So take me to town / I wanna dance with the city
Show me something ugly / Show me something pretty
There’s always a need in the first moments that never lessens. Whether they move together slowly or rush at each other without thought. The fierceness of it takes a while to dissolve. That’s what they get to keep in this bargain with anonymity.
It can take a while for them to match themselves up again, discover the other’s temperament, desire. They watch for the signs in each other, is he angry, is he low or sad or playful? It’s in the way Brad grabs at him or slides his hand over his thighs, the way Ray demands Brad’s mouth or kneels before him. Neither of them can deny how it works.
16. My Skin – Natalie Merchant
Well, is it dark enough?
Can you see me? / Do you want me?
Can you reach me? / Or I’m leaving
You better shut your mouth / hold your breath
Kiss me now you’ll catch your death.
17. Start a War - The National
You were always weird but I never had to hold you by the edges like I do now
Walk away now and you’re gonna start a war.
Well, is it dark enough?
Can you see me? / Do you want me?
Can you reach me? / Or I’m leaving
You better shut your mouth / hold your breath
Kiss me now you’ll catch your death.
17. Start a War - The National
You were always weird but I never had to hold you by the edges like I do now
Walk away now and you’re gonna start a war.
It’s only sometimes in the dark that Ray can forget where they are and why they’re here and nowhere else. That Ray remembers why they keep doing this. He faces away from Brad on the bed, unseeing eyes open as Brad curls around him, knowing he’s awake, knowing they won’t speak about this in the morning. He traces his hands quietly over Ray’s body whispering into his neck about where he’s been and what he’s seen and how he’s thought about Ray. Ray listens and remembers not to speak, not to frighten away the appearance of this part of the man he loves.
He always demands sex on these mornings before they get moving and Brad always acquiesces, allowing Ray to take whatever he wants. Ray thinks there’s more here than he knows how to ask for.
18. Quiet - Lights
Here's my heart and here's my mouth
And I can't help if things come out
Cause there are words I want to shout
Here's my heart and here's my mouth
And I can't help if things come out
Cause there are words I want to shout
He thinks that, even if it’s only ever possible in seedy motel rooms, some things are still worth waiting for. Sometimes he says so outloud.
19. Come Back When You Can - Barcelona
Oh you look good
with your patient face and wandering eye
Don't hold this war inside.
You've done nothing at all to make me love you less.
So come back when you can.
Oh you look good
with your patient face and wandering eye
Don't hold this war inside.
You've done nothing at all to make me love you less.
So come back when you can.
D/L @ Megaupload
*With my non-existent German I have determined this means the following (mostly because this is what I want it to mean) *g*:
I want, once more, to sleep, / Sleep with you,
To have you close once more / Before I lose you forever.
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I really enjoyed putting it together and thinking about what Brad/Ray love in seedy hotels would mean and then I looked at the end result and was like, hmmm, kinda depressing. So I'm really glad you liked it. :D