LA LA LA This isn't anything.

[amoama]

Why is there so much sad poetry in the world? Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?

This is really short and not really anything and not ouchy in the way the last one was. Lets just say this is where I'm at with the random rewatching of old episodes and fanvids - especially Lil's "There's a chance I'll start to wonder" vid which kind of sparked this.

Feel free to skip along if you've had your pain quota for the day. :D

Also it's not beta'd because I feel bad asking anyone to read my stuff after last time. :C And it's really short and not really anything. /repeating myself

Title: And you mustn't show weakness.
Author: amo_amas_amat
Fandom: AWZ
Characters: Roman (Deniz, Marc, Flo, Egon, Mama Wild, Annette - all mentioned)
Word Count: 434
Disclaimer: Characters belong to AWZ, RTL.
Rating: PG
Summary: Roman being resilient and a fighter. Oh god, I think this intro is already longer than the fic.



“And you mustn’t show weakness” (Yehuda Amichai)

“Sometimes I collapse inside myself
Without people noticing. I’m like an ambulance
On two legs carrying the patient
Inside myself to a no-aid station
With sirens blazing,
People think it’s normal speech.”

5/Roman watched them kissing in the pool and then crouched behind the wall unable to take anymore. He felt his heart crashing in his chest,the pain of the betrayal radiating through him. But he wasn’t shocked. Not really. And he didn’t give himself long - wiped his eyes and stood up to face his new reality.

2/It was the middle of the day when he left. Florian was playing in the sitting room, messing around with parts from their father’s old radios. He looked up when Roman stopped in the door. “Bye Flo.” Roman said heavily. The distracted, “See you Roman,” that came back to him made him want to drop all his bags and swing his little brother round in a big hug. But then he wouldn’t know how to let go. So he walked out and kept walking and didn’t let himself look back.

3/Marc turned the corner and Roman was left alone. It’s not the end of the world, he told himself. He’d been alone before and survived. More time for friends, for skating, for certain taxi drivers. The only thing was, now he knew what he was missing.

1/He heard them fighting in the kitchen in hushed tones. “My son is not gay.” Egon’s voice vibrated through the walls and Roman felt the words rattle through him. His mother’s small voice followed but too soft to be understood, already retreating from the confrontation. He stared up at the ceiling in the darkness. “But I am,” he whispered.

4/“No, I’m not gay.” He heard himself say. It was his voice, but it didn’t sound like him. “This is my girlfriend, Annette.” He saw the shock pass over her face but realised with relief that she’d play along. He’d play along too.

7/He heard the words and believed them before he even heard all his options. Brain tumour. No hope. And in the end he knew what he wanted, knew who he was and what it meant: one more thing for him to fight alone.

6/“I’m not gay,” Deniz says but it sounds like Roman - like his fear and his shame and he didn’t want that for Deniz. Not for someone so loving and caring, so earnest and vivacious. He hadn’t wanted it for himself even when he’d chosen it and he’d never internalised it like Deniz is doing. Roman wills himself not to accept it.