LA LA LA This isn't anything.

[amoama]

Why is there so much sad poetry in the world? Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?

This is really short and not really anything and not ouchy in the way the last one was. Lets just say this is where I'm at with the random rewatching of old episodes and fanvids - especially Lil's "There's a chance I'll start to wonder" vid which kind of sparked this.

Feel free to skip along if you've had your pain quota for the day. :D

Also it's not beta'd because I feel bad asking anyone to read my stuff after last time. :C And it's really short and not really anything. /repeating myself

Title: And you mustn't show weakness.
Author: amo_amas_amat
Fandom: AWZ
Characters: Roman (Deniz, Marc, Flo, Egon, Mama Wild, Annette - all mentioned)
Word Count: 434
Disclaimer: Characters belong to AWZ, RTL.
Rating: PG
Summary: Roman being resilient and a fighter. Oh god, I think this intro is already longer than the fic.



“And you mustn’t show weakness” (Yehuda Amichai)

“Sometimes I collapse inside myself
Without people noticing. I’m like an ambulance
On two legs carrying the patient
Inside myself to a no-aid station
With sirens blazing,
People think it’s normal speech.”

5/Roman watched them kissing in the pool and then crouched behind the wall unable to take anymore. He felt his heart crashing in his chest,the pain of the betrayal radiating through him. But he wasn’t shocked. Not really. And he didn’t give himself long - wiped his eyes and stood up to face his new reality.

2/It was the middle of the day when he left. Florian was playing in the sitting room, messing around with parts from their father’s old radios. He looked up when Roman stopped in the door. “Bye Flo.” Roman said heavily. The distracted, “See you Roman,” that came back to him made him want to drop all his bags and swing his little brother round in a big hug. But then he wouldn’t know how to let go. So he walked out and kept walking and didn’t let himself look back.

3/Marc turned the corner and Roman was left alone. It’s not the end of the world, he told himself. He’d been alone before and survived. More time for friends, for skating, for certain taxi drivers. The only thing was, now he knew what he was missing.

1/He heard them fighting in the kitchen in hushed tones. “My son is not gay.” Egon’s voice vibrated through the walls and Roman felt the words rattle through him. His mother’s small voice followed but too soft to be understood, already retreating from the confrontation. He stared up at the ceiling in the darkness. “But I am,” he whispered.

4/“No, I’m not gay.” He heard himself say. It was his voice, but it didn’t sound like him. “This is my girlfriend, Annette.” He saw the shock pass over her face but realised with relief that she’d play along. He’d play along too.

7/He heard the words and believed them before he even heard all his options. Brain tumour. No hope. And in the end he knew what he wanted, knew who he was and what it meant: one more thing for him to fight alone.

6/“I’m not gay,” Deniz says but it sounds like Roman - like his fear and his shame and he didn’t want that for Deniz. Not for someone so loving and caring, so earnest and vivacious. He hadn’t wanted it for himself even when he’d chosen it and he’d never internalised it like Deniz is doing. Roman wills himself not to accept it.

Comments

[lilithilien.insanejournal.com]

DAMN YOU, YOU EVIL WOMAN! I come over to IJ looking for relief from Aldi's subs, and what do I get? Marc turning corners and the Wild parents argument and hopelessly fighting alone... and most of all, the breaking line of "he hadn't wanted it for himself even when he'd chosen it which applies to SO MANY THINGS OMG and it hurts that he'd choose something he didn't want, and now that he'd choose how he wants to die, which he should never have to do, and I want him to have the same sort of strength of will that he did in "willing" himself not to accept Deniz's heterosexuality....

But just through it all there is that aching solitude...

Yes, this is just a lot of blather to say that I'm in tears again. I don't know what to say. Your words, they always break me, I love them so much.

[amo_amas_amat.insanejournal.com]

*cuddles* If I'm evil I learnt from the best. *g*

[momogermany.insanejournal.com]

No, not ouchy at all, what a cheery little piece!
Seriously Anna, these little glimpses into the heart and mind of Roman Wild at various stages of his far too short life could not be more heartbreakingly insightful.
It's all there, his strength, his resilience, his will to put on a brave face and soldier on, his inability to fool himself even when he's ready to fool the world around him, as well as his inherent sadness, his vulnerability and this, sometimes very annoying, tendency not to question his fate: "he heard the words and believed them before he even heard all his options" ouch again. Roman Wild in a nutshell!
And the loneliness! And damn, it looked like for the first time Roman had a real chance of becoming part of something, a little family of three who loved and needed each other, yes loved and needed and appreciated Roman Wild, imagine, this stupid final thing had to happen.
Oh damn, good luck and Roman Wild just never managed to strike up a friendship in this life!

[amo_amas_amat.insanejournal.com]

Oh Momo! Thanks for reading and sharing my pain (twice now lol). *holds and hugs forever* ILU! <33

[miss_lovelace.insanejournal.com]

I seem to stick to structures, lately. Maybe it's because they give order, stability and thus meaning to things. And with your beautifully stabby words; I need something to cling to.

It is beautiful how your short, yet heartbreakingly and achingly accurate descriptions are not chronological and yet refer to each other. I like narrations that tell a story in cirlces, because our memories go in circles. And you managed to write all important people in Roman's life into them.
"He’d play along too", "one more thing for him to fight alone", and "Roman wills himself not to accept it." beautifully summarize Roman's willingness to do what - according to his calculations - needs to be done and nothing less. And it hurts. Thank you.

Well-set words about a short life, and I love you for them.

[amo_amas_amat.insanejournal.com]

<3333 Thank you!

Also "our memories go in circles" - I kinda like that. Will think on't.

[winterlover.insanejournal.com]

Yes, you said it's not ouchy like your other wonderful story, but I only felt able to comment today.

I love the poem that you put at the beginning, this is something I can relate to as well.

And then you characterize Roman with those little bits from his life, each one a very important second/minute/moment in his life that helped shaping his personality.
And on the other hand, someone else, someone of a different personaltiy, would have given in, even to the first problems or oppositions.

And in the end he is not alone, because, as he said in another story, "one should always try", and he did.

[amo_amas_amat.insanejournal.com]

Ahhhh thanks for dropping by!

I LOVE THE POEM TOO! It's so universal and stabby. *cuddles*